Authentic Self

oh my God, i can't believe how fast the time goes...

2012-02-12T22:41:00.001Z

it's crazy, another 12 days gone and I haven't written a line. and to be honest, right now I'm even questioning if I really want to have blogs at all coz I somehow feel reluctant to wirte anything down. and there would be quite a lot to write coz it seems that every day something new happens. I mean not so much new in having a very busy life, but in a way I feel - every day different.
Anyway, so today I didnt really feel like sharing things on my blog I would rather just write them down on the paper, so I guess I'm just going to go with it then and just write everything down in my journal that I have neglected since quite some time.
take care
T.

....feeling lost lost lost............and more lost

2012-01-31T20:16:00.004Z

...........completely lost, down and uninspired, dreaming of a life that I want to have, but not living it, just dreaming about it..............

...can't catch up with time...

2012-01-22T18:09:00.000Z

I'm not sure if the title will be sufficiently big to cover everything i am going to write about but firstly I'm not even completely sure what I am going to write about and secondly even if I knew I wouldn't want the title to be few lines long; so for now it has to suffice.
so what am I going to write about?
I don't know. I just know that I have to write. Write whatever comes out because I haven't written on my blog for 10 days which would be fine if I have at least kept writing in my journal which I normally do. However for 10 days I haven't been writing anything at all and I desperately need to now coz there is so much going on inside of me. All these thoughts and feelings, floating around in chaos and no matter how hard I try to keep centred and in charge, I do slip occasionally and give my power over to some negative feeling or thought and life suddenly loses its meaning and everything seems pointless. And when this happens more times during the day I know that I urgently have to sit down, breathe and write things down before I lose my power completely.
So here I am now - writing.
Yes, time definitely flies by too fast and sometimes I really do struggle to catch up and have time just to be, just to live. From the beginning of new year I started to do few more hours of cleaning so that was quite tiring coz I still have to get into my routine and get used to it. However, I was trying to keep up with my Creating Every Day Challenge as well as trying to cook different things every day after work coz I have always wanted to do it but I never did but this time I was managing really well. But then somehow few days ago, I lost my routine as I was really busy making presents for my dear brother & his girlfriend and for my dearest friend Ani. So I ended up not practising my drawing everyday neither was I cooking everyday. However, I did create nearly every day coz I was making their presents so that's fine. But there was something else that I was doing every single day for at least 2 hours which consumed my time that I could've left for drawing. So what was I doing all these hours every day? What was it that I was so obsessed with that I just simply couldn't stop?
Looking for a home!!! Looking for a different town again, somewhere perfect, somewhere ideal, somewhere where I would feel completely and blissfully happy. Somewhere new. Somewhere new again. We have moved many times but I still haven't found that place where I could feel completely happy. That perfect and ideal place! But does it really exist or am I just deluding myself again. Can I find happiness somewhere out there in this ideal place or is it to be found within myself?
I don't know. I really don't know anymore. What I do know is that I tend to look for the ideal place all the time and I know that no matter where I move I will always take myself with me so of course it is important that I feel happy inside myself; however I also know that to have a home somewhere where I feel really good in terms of how beautiful it looks, if it looks romantic enough, if it has medieval buildings and beautiful architecture, how it feels,... all these things are extremely important to me, to my Soul that is so desperately looking for her beautiful divine home.
I love Leamington Spa, it is a very beautiful place with lots of beautiful buildings and amazing parks but I just want to live somewhere where the centre is mainly pedestrianised, where I can just walk around in town in the hidden cobbled streets and feel like the time has stopped. Or where I can sit in a cafe with a view on a beautiful square with people passing by instead of a busy road with cars. It just has such a different feeling and atmosphere. It just reminds me of Italy. And I loved it there so much.
Anyway, so all these days I've been looking on right move and google maps and checking out properties in Norwich. I have never been there, but I saw some images online and the property prices for rental -we can't afford to buy at the moment :( are much cheaper than here. So, it was kind of giving me some hope, that maybe one day we could be living in a 2 or 3 bed house with much more space than in this little one bed flat. And that maybe one day we can be living without bloody mouldy smell every time we wake up or go to bed.
So yes, I am not losing my hope. Even tough it is not always easy and sometimes the time is flying by too fast and I am still waiting to start living fully, I am not losing my hope that one day I will find my ideal romantic divine home and everything will feel different. I can see it and I know that I will have it one day, no matter what it takes.
I'm keeping my head up and carrying on. Step by step.
Thank you for listening.
Txxx

Difficult Day

2012-01-12T23:29:00.000Z

I guess I have put a bit too many lofty expectations on today and how great and beautiful my day is going to be coz I will have all day for myself and I will be creating and enjoying myself and having great time... and it ended up being quite a difficult day as I was my own worst enemy (I guess Jay-Z is also singing it somewhere in his song...I think).
Anyway, so it was all very grey after judging my creative endeavours and after that I just felt hopeless about everything again, which was quite a contrast to last 3-4 days I think when I felt really good, in charge and very positive about my Life. I have just wrote about my creative struggle at my I am an Artist blog, you can check it out in the link below:
http://i-am-an-artist.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-creating-today-felt-like-big.html
And I have to say that after writing it all down I do feel a bit better but I still feel quite grayish but I know that the only way is to carry on no matter what, through all the feelings whether they're grey or colourful. That's the only way to live my Life authentically, the only way to live My Best Life.

Feeling in Charge of My Life

2012-01-08T18:49:00.002Z

Woke up later then I have planned but I decided not to judge myself for that. Could smell the mould in the air as I do every morning and usually I start complaining about it and waste at least 10 minutes of my precious time. However, this morning I decided not to think about it and just concentrated on things that needed to be done and somehow doing those things and using my Will I started to feel really good and positive about everything. Simple household things, like washing up the dishes, washing and ironing clothes, general tiding up, I didn't mind doing it at all. More I did more motivated and positive I felt.
And it definitely didn't used to be like that in the past. I would always try to postpone things and then I still couldn't enjoy the time while I was not doing them coz I would end up thinking about stuff that still needs to be done. However, now if I do everything I was supposed to do straight away, it doesn't pile up and after I've done it I am completely free to just enjoy my free time without overwhelming and constantly judging myself for being unorganised and lazy. So this change definitely feels great. And it seems as though it goes hand in hand with my decision to practise my drawing everyday. Being committed to my Life everyday, building it step by step, not just dreaming and not acting upon it. I have to dream and build at the same time, only then it works, only then I can create the Life I really want - by creating it every day, with great patience, not giving up even if everything seems pointless.
Well, it took me quite a few years to figure this out, then still couple of years to learn how to actually put it in practise and now finally, it seems that I am starting to Live it so I am feeling very excited about this New Year 2012, coz it is going to be the Year of Action, the Year of Starting to Build My Life According To My Dreams. It will definitely will be the Year of Living Fully!!!

Self pleasuring / masturbation still makes me feel guilty and ashamed...

2012-01-05T19:54:00.000Z

Yes you heard correctly, self pleasuring still does make me feel like a pervert ... and that's why I decided to write about it coz I am sick of that!! I am sick of feeling guilty for celebrating my own body - the gift we are each given from God (Universe,...) It's just crazy!
And I thought I was already over those feelings but it looks like I'm not...
Woke up this morning after pleasuring myself last night, feeling like a really bad person, someone completely weird and psycho and I so desperately needed somebody to tell me that I am normal, that I am ok. that I will not be punished with something terrible happening to me for comitting this massive sinful act.
I went to do my cleaning job constantly thinking about it, so heavy on my consciousness, feeling bad and dirty ... Got home and couldn't wait to type 'self pleasuring is ok and healthy' into google looking for some affirmation that what I did is not a sin but something normal and natural.
I found few links and read few comments, then somehow I managed to talk to my best friend about it but the guilty feeling was still present like a dark scary monster making me feel very uncomfortable. Then I got the idea to face my fear of judgment and share my feelings with you.
Oh my God, I was shitting myself only on a thought of somebody reading that I masturbate. Even now typing these words, I still do feel terrified...
However, in the end I decided to write it all, to let it all out, to shout it out to the world. I did masturbate last night, I did pleasured myself yesterday and I enjoyed my own body. And it doesn't make me a pervert or a weird psycho! I am just learning to celebrate my femininity and own my sexuality. And I pray that one day I will be able to say these things without this massive fear of judgment and these extreme feelings of guilt. I really hope this day will come soon...
Thank you for reading.
Tatiana

I would like to add a link to this post I found interesting and that helped me to feel a bit less guilty and less alone with my guilt: http://www.yabyummy.com/rituals/female_self_pleasure_ritual.htm

And a dear friend of mine told me about this book that talks about all sorts of pleasure: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mama-Genas-School-Womanly-Arts/dp/0743439937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325794066&sr=8-1#_

Something in me changed...

2012-01-02T19:08:00.000Z

I don't know if it's the influence of the New Year energy or going throug a Pluto transit or the hard work on my self belief is starting to pay off finally. Well, whatever it is I am immensly grateful for this new feeling of self confidence that was staying with me while I was doing my cleaning job today (I started my cleaning business last year in September).
Anyway, I went to do this 3 hour clean today and I was shitting myself before I went because I knew that the clients I was cleaning for will be at home. And even though I know how amazing and sweet they are and how much they love the way I clean, I was terrified. Well, my inner child was. Every time I clean for someone I get into this crazy feeling of not doing the job good enough, judging myself for being crap and too slow and I end up being complete perfectionist running around like crazy, dusting twice, trying to pick up every grain of dust because I simply don't value myself and my work enough. And I thought that working for myself will be great lol ...but I realised that my own boss (inner critic and perfectionist) is much worse than any other boss out there would be. All my customers are so sweet and they love me and my work and treat me very nice but for those two (critic and perfectionist) my work is never good enough.
Anyway, so this is what was kind of happening since I set up my own business and I've been trying so hard to believe in myself, trying to negotiate with both my critic and perfectionist and talk to my inner child but nothing seemed to be changing. I used to feel depressed after the cleanings quite often, loosing hope that I will never feel equal to other people, that I will never be as good as other human beings.
But thanks God, today I felt different. I really dont know how it happened but suddenly I felt calmer and more relaxed while cleaning and I even managed to finish on time. I didnt judge myself, I didnt dust twice, I did my job as best as I could and I felt happy and proud of myself. But what's the most important, more precious thing to me is that I felt as a grown up woman, equal to my clients and not like a little anxious child who is waiting to be told off.
Thank you so much for this beautiful feeling of confidence, beautiful feeling of self-love and acceptance, my dear Universe. May it last the whole year or maybe the whole life (that would be even better; but I guess it can only become better now...)
Thank you for reading and maybe you can relate... (but I hope you can't coz it's not great to feel that way...)
May this Year be a Year of Self Love an Acceptance for all of You. And once you have those two you'll also have the Confidence coz they all go hand in hand.
Take care and speak to you soon.
Love,
Tatiana x

Feeling Grumpy and Judgmental Today...

2012-01-01T19:03:00.000Z

Hi, this is my very first blog post and I'm glad I managed to start on the 1st January even though it's already nearly 9 o'clock in the evening. I am still glad I did start it because it is very important to me to share myself, my feelings, my struggles, my challenges, my victories, my everything with you.
I tend to write my journal but I think this will feel even better if I can share it with others out there who might feel the same or similar and who might be thinking that it might just be them feeling that way. So i guess I just hope that by doing this blog we'll be able to support each other somehow.
As you can see from my today's title I was not having the best day. I usually get these New Year's blues every year and I definitely got them today. I felt really grumpy and annoyed at myself and the ones close to me and of course what made everything worse was that I kept judging myself for that, for being a "horrible person" so much that I ended up crying... As though feeling grumpy makes me a horrible person!! why is that? who has ever taught me that? grumpiness is just a feeling, like any other feelings! Would I think of myself as a bad person if I feel joyful? No I wouldn't!! So why do I always have to judge myself for feeling those so called "negative" feelings? They're just feelings. Do you ever judge yourself for feeling certain way??
And at the moment I am judging myself for not being able to write this blog properly and my inner critic is telling me that I should write it differently that people will hate it, that nobody will read it and bla bla bla.
But you know what? I am just going to keep writing anyway and I will keep writing as often as I can because I really want to learn to live through my Divine Authentic Self each day more and more.
Take care everyone. Talk soon.
Lots of love,
Tatiana x